3+ weeks

Well, 3 weeks and 3 days have past since the night my Dad was murdered. It’s been a long three weeks. It seems as if I haven’t saw him in many many months. I miss him so very much.

The first two weeks I ran strictly on adrenaline, non-stop. I think I did a great job on his funeral services and such. I don’t know how I got through it all. Well, yes, I know how – the Grace of God.

This third week, the fast-pace & constant activity dropped and my days became more “typical”. That’s when I realized the adrenaline was out and now is time for reality to begin. I’ve been sick. I’ve got this ulcer in my stomach and it’s aggravating me. I just randomly have tears fall. Some nights I just break down. I feel half empty, alone. When my kids break down, I break down. I can’t handle it. My heart aches so much.I know it’s normal. I know we all grieve in our on ways. I’m just writing because it helps me. I’ve had one fantastic husband support me SO much & that has keep me going best I can. I also have a wonderful best friend and church family that keep me in prayer.

I do enjoy talking about him and of him – so many good, positive things to share – a lot of memories. But, that doesn’t change the fact that my Dad’s life was taken. He didn’t die. He wasn’t ill. He was killed. There is a difference.

I am fully aware life goes on. I’m fully aware people die every day. I’m fully aware I’m not the only person who is without a living Dad. But, I feel so cheated. Not me, really. I feel he was cheated.

He was a great, hard-working, honest man. He helped so many. Why some “young punks” had to set him up to rob and then kill him, leaving him dead in his car and NOT robbing him doesn’t settle well. Yes, they are both behind bars. We are awaiting trail. We’ve had one preliminary hearing that sent us to grand jury.

What will happen? I don’t know. I really don’t care as nothing will bring my Dad back. I do know that I don’t want them free to be on the streets. Both guys had a criminal record, one lengthy.

Am I angry? Not really. I guess I’m not there yet. People keep telling me to let go of my anger but I’m not overcome by anger. I really never think of the guys who murdered my Dad. Why give them any of my personal time & thoughts. I just struggle with WHY this way. I did see them both in court. One never looked back so I didn’t see him face to face. But the other did. He seems all happy, smiles… later, he didn’t seem happy. Maybe his mood changed when he realized I was the daughter and was holding an 8×10 of my Dad in my arms.

I know we all have a time of birth and death. If God called him home, I’m OK with that. I just can’t get over this HOW part… why this way?

At night, I go to bed… and I continually re-think, beyond my control. I re-live the detectives knocking on my door at 2:30am to deliver the tragic news. When I wake – several mornings the sun popped out and hit me in the face. I felt Dad & smiled.

I miss his random visits, his calls… him calling asking questions or just to talk to my kids. I miss hearing my husband tell me that Dad called him today or took him to lunch. I miss getting calls telling me a new baby calf was born (by the way, we just had like 3 new baby calves this week!) I miss doing his paperwork for his business. I miss watching TV with him, eating candy… or just sittin’ around chatting.

I’ve been told it’ll get better. But, it’ll never be the same. I just include in my prayers every night that we’ll be reunited soon. I know he’s happy in Heaven and I know he’s safe & loved. I’m thankful he believed in our Lord, Jesus Christ and take comfort in knowing he’s there.

Dad always told me (many, many times) how proud he was of me and my family. I’ll continue making him proud as long as I’m alive. I’m proud to be his daughter and will always be.

-Not looking for any type of replies here, just typing out thoughts for my self-therapy

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2 Comments »

  1. Mar Said:

    You are in my thoughts…((Hugs))

  2. Amber Said:

    It has been over a year since I have participated in photohunt. I was just looking you back up in the hopes to start again when I came across your blog about your father. I am very sorry for your loss, you and your family are in my prayers. Glad to hear rthye caught the guys and hope justtice will be done.


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